In the beginning...

Well one of my friends has recently started to blog about her weightloss journey. My own weightloss journey has been an up and down battle for years now and it seems like I never get very far with it.

I recently started with Weight Watchers and then kind of gave up around the holidays. I gained 5 pounds back over the holiday period and was not very thrilled with my new additions, so i decided to give Weight Watchers another go. It's so hard dieting when you travel all the time and are constantly faced with eating in restaurants or simply grabbing whatever is available as you are runnin through the airport. I am determind to figure this out once and for all though. It is possible, it has to be. Just look at the Biggest Loser. Hell look at Jennifer Hudson. If she can do it, I certainly can right?

It isn't just about weight loss though.  I recently learned that I have a fatty liver (hey the rest of me is fat, why not my liver too?), and diabetes and high blood pressure run in my family. So I want to get healthy. Though it seems now a days everyone wants to "get healthy", sometimes I'm not even sure what that means anymore. All I know is I don't want to be s statistic. I want to be around for a long time. I want to see my kids grow up. I want to see my grandkid grow up. If that means I have to give up eating some stuff I love then so be it. Sounds simple right?

Wrong. First of all, I love food. I don't just love food, I crave food, I think about what I'm going to eat well before it's time to eat. Sometimes I have cravings so bad my mouth waters thinking about the food I want. I admit it. I'm an addict. What's worse is, I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm upset, when I'm bored, when I'm depressed, etc. Something about chocolate just makes me feel better. French fries are also my best friend. Sometimes it's like I can't help myself, and then I think, I'm a grown ass woman and french fries are not going to rule my life! Then I get all Xena Warrior Princess and make statements like "I will conquer you Hershey's!" And for a few days I'm really good. Then the crap hits the fan so to speak. Then I have a bad day, and I feel bad and I turn to my best friends Ben and Jerry. It's like a vicious cycle.

I began to have one of these days yesterday. I had been doing really well all week. I went to the grocery store and stocked my little mini fridge. I took my lunch to work and everything. I counted all my points like a good girl and didn't go over. I drank my juicer (more on my juicing later) and even managed to make it to the gym a few times. Then I ran out of food. So I said, I'll just stop at the store and get some more. I'll go to Sprouts, how much trouble can i get into there right? Wrong.

It all started when I passed the cheese section. I love cheese. Love it in the kind of way that Jerry McGuire loved Renee Zelwigger in that movie. It completes me. And I love White Cheddar cheese more than I love french fries. So there it was of course, staring at me, begging me to take it home, and right next to it was it's friend the Turkey Pepperoni, I couldn't leave him behind, or his sister the mini toast either. So I thought to myself, hey I'll have just a little of each one andI'll be good. I picked up my eggplant frozen meal (thanks Betsy) and some more juice and off I went.

It began well, I ate my eggplant, I had four mini toasts a few pieces of turkey pepperoni and a small piece of cheese. I put all of my points in and still had one left. Later on I had a banana, zero points, we're doing great. Then the damned mini toasts started calling me, begging me to eat them in their loud obnoxious mini toast voices. Seriously, they would not shut up. So I just had to eat them. All of them. And then of course the turkey pepperoni and the cheese started whining because I ate their commrad. So I ate half of them too until the others were silent for fear of being eaten too. And I felt good. Less hungry than I had all week. Until the guilt set in.

Poor Betsy is probably wishing I did not have her phone number because she got all of the guilt texts. Thankfully though she is the best person to know in these situations. She told me I'm not a fat ass who can't control herself, i'm human. So I pulled myself together and I went bravely back to weight watchers and added in the extra food. Yes I went over, but I did not go over the extra points i get every week. So I mentally shook myself and said, "it's ok. So you used your extra points, now you just have to be extra good the rest of the week", and then I moved on. I refuse to dwell on it when I have something naughty. More importantly, I refuse to let it mess up my entire plan. I am stronger than that, I am better than that, I am Xena damnit. Food will not rule me, and I will eat healthy and allow myself something bad once in awhile, but it will not stop me from reaching my goal. I am bullheaded and determined usually, so why do I give up so easily when it comes to this??? I won't. I refuse.

And so I learned that if I can just forgive myself for slipping, for being human, and just push on and move forward, maybe I can finally reach my goal and be a healthier me. One who still eats fries on occasion of course, I wouldn't want to change everything...