So here I am again. I've lost 5 pounds so far, which is not really as much as I'd have wanted, but it's at least a loss and not a gain right? I joined 24 hour fitness with my mom because I can go to any of their locations, so when I'm traveling if there is a 24 hour fitness in the area I can still use my membership. We joined over a month ago and have gone exactly twice now. Things keep happening, first I went to washington where there was no 24 hour fitness around, then we passed around a stomach virus, and now my mom has bronchitis. So I am going to have to get my butt in gear and start going even when she can't or I'm just wasting my money and effort.
However, the reason this post was inspired is because I am sitting here eating a bowl of leftover fried rice for breakfast. I've realized I just love food. and not all of the foods I love are unhealthy, but some of them are. If food was a man I'd probably marry it, I just like to eat. And the whole dieting thing, it just isn't going as well as I hoped. I really enjoy drinking my odwalla juice and I love fruit and veggies, but I also love things like cheese and rice. So I've decided that I'm not going to give up eating what I want. Oh I'm still going to track it. I only get so many points a week, plus my extra splurge points and when they are gone they are gone, but something I learned recently is WW gives you extra points when you workout. So this clicked in my head, not that I'm going to workout so I can pig out, but that I can eat what I want (within moderation) and exercise more. If I bust my butt at the gym then I don't have to feel so guilty about having a bowl of fried rice for breakfast once in awhile or for eating three pieces of cheese in one day. I really have to learn about incorporating the foods I love into my new lifestyle, because that's what it is a lifestyle. And if I stop eating everything I love to lose weight on a diet, eventually I'm going to have a binge and feel guilty about it. So then the two things I need to focus are moderation and exercising and I think that will work better for me than starving myself but not making it to the gym because of any number of reasons.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
"I have nothing to wear"
It happens to me every time I try to get dressed. I stare into my closet disdainfully for awhile and then loudly proclaim "I have NOTHING to wear!!!" My husband stares at me as if I have lsot my mind and then looks into the closet behind me as if all of my clothes have been stolen in the past five minutes. "What do you mean? You have enough clothes in here to dress an army.", is his reply.
The truth is, he's right. I never wanted to admit it, but he is. I shop and shop and shop and buy new clothes all the time. My closet is so stuffed that I had to relocate all of my dresses, dress pants and jerseys to the closet in my office. Yet, whenever I have to get dressed I cannot find anything I want to wear. I change fifteen times and get so frustrated I want to go out in a trashbag, or maybe purchase several different colored mumus.
So I began to ask myself why this keeps happening to me. The answer is that it is not my clothes that are the problem at all. I have tons of nice pieces of clothing, most of which have never been worn outside of my house. The problem is not that I do not like my clothes, I like every last piece of clothing I own, that's why I purchased it.
No, the problem is not that shirt with the sparkles that bunches up and makes me look fat.The problem is that I don't really like my body. I could put the most expensive, prettiest shirt on and still not like it because I don't really like what is under it.
Now this could just become about weight and about losing it, but I think that it is deeper than that. I don't just need to lose weight and look better in the millions of clothes I own (which ironically won't fit me if I do lose weight), but I really need to learn to like myself even if I have a few extra pounds to lose. The realisty is I have to get dressed, and maybe I can stand to lose a few pounds, but that doesn't mean I can't still look nice. It doesn't mean I can't like myself. We all have faults, we all have thins to improve upon. Just because I may have that second piece of chocolate cake does not make me unworthy of liking myself. I am a human being, I am real. I like food. So what? People who say they don't like dessert are just lying to themselves anyway.
I'm tired of society telling me that because I'm chubby I should walk with my head down and think poorly of myself. More than that, I refuse to let myself feel that way anymore.
I'm going to get healthy because I want to be healthy, and I want to watch my kids and grandkids grow up and be able to participate in things with them. I will still do that. I will still focus on getting healthy and losing weight. I'm just going to refuse to not love myself anymore. Because I matter. Because that jerk who thinks I'm not worth their time or snickers when I walk by because I'm heavier doesn't matter. Because I am a pretty kick ass person, and even when I lose weight and am healthy, I'm still going to be a kick ass person, just a lighter one.
The truth is, he's right. I never wanted to admit it, but he is. I shop and shop and shop and buy new clothes all the time. My closet is so stuffed that I had to relocate all of my dresses, dress pants and jerseys to the closet in my office. Yet, whenever I have to get dressed I cannot find anything I want to wear. I change fifteen times and get so frustrated I want to go out in a trashbag, or maybe purchase several different colored mumus.
So I began to ask myself why this keeps happening to me. The answer is that it is not my clothes that are the problem at all. I have tons of nice pieces of clothing, most of which have never been worn outside of my house. The problem is not that I do not like my clothes, I like every last piece of clothing I own, that's why I purchased it.
No, the problem is not that shirt with the sparkles that bunches up and makes me look fat.The problem is that I don't really like my body. I could put the most expensive, prettiest shirt on and still not like it because I don't really like what is under it.
Now this could just become about weight and about losing it, but I think that it is deeper than that. I don't just need to lose weight and look better in the millions of clothes I own (which ironically won't fit me if I do lose weight), but I really need to learn to like myself even if I have a few extra pounds to lose. The realisty is I have to get dressed, and maybe I can stand to lose a few pounds, but that doesn't mean I can't still look nice. It doesn't mean I can't like myself. We all have faults, we all have thins to improve upon. Just because I may have that second piece of chocolate cake does not make me unworthy of liking myself. I am a human being, I am real. I like food. So what? People who say they don't like dessert are just lying to themselves anyway.
I'm tired of society telling me that because I'm chubby I should walk with my head down and think poorly of myself. More than that, I refuse to let myself feel that way anymore.
I'm going to get healthy because I want to be healthy, and I want to watch my kids and grandkids grow up and be able to participate in things with them. I will still do that. I will still focus on getting healthy and losing weight. I'm just going to refuse to not love myself anymore. Because I matter. Because that jerk who thinks I'm not worth their time or snickers when I walk by because I'm heavier doesn't matter. Because I am a pretty kick ass person, and even when I lose weight and am healthy, I'm still going to be a kick ass person, just a lighter one.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
In the beginning...
Well one of my friends has recently started to blog about her weightloss journey. My own weightloss journey has been an up and down battle for years now and it seems like I never get very far with it.
I recently started with Weight Watchers and then kind of gave up around the holidays. I gained 5 pounds back over the holiday period and was not very thrilled with my new additions, so i decided to give Weight Watchers another go. It's so hard dieting when you travel all the time and are constantly faced with eating in restaurants or simply grabbing whatever is available as you are runnin through the airport. I am determind to figure this out once and for all though. It is possible, it has to be. Just look at the Biggest Loser. Hell look at Jennifer Hudson. If she can do it, I certainly can right?
It isn't just about weight loss though. I recently learned that I have a fatty liver (hey the rest of me is fat, why not my liver too?), and diabetes and high blood pressure run in my family. So I want to get healthy. Though it seems now a days everyone wants to "get healthy", sometimes I'm not even sure what that means anymore. All I know is I don't want to be s statistic. I want to be around for a long time. I want to see my kids grow up. I want to see my grandkid grow up. If that means I have to give up eating some stuff I love then so be it. Sounds simple right?
Wrong. First of all, I love food. I don't just love food, I crave food, I think about what I'm going to eat well before it's time to eat. Sometimes I have cravings so bad my mouth waters thinking about the food I want. I admit it. I'm an addict. What's worse is, I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm upset, when I'm bored, when I'm depressed, etc. Something about chocolate just makes me feel better. French fries are also my best friend. Sometimes it's like I can't help myself, and then I think, I'm a grown ass woman and french fries are not going to rule my life! Then I get all Xena Warrior Princess and make statements like "I will conquer you Hershey's!" And for a few days I'm really good. Then the crap hits the fan so to speak. Then I have a bad day, and I feel bad and I turn to my best friends Ben and Jerry. It's like a vicious cycle.
I began to have one of these days yesterday. I had been doing really well all week. I went to the grocery store and stocked my little mini fridge. I took my lunch to work and everything. I counted all my points like a good girl and didn't go over. I drank my juicer (more on my juicing later) and even managed to make it to the gym a few times. Then I ran out of food. So I said, I'll just stop at the store and get some more. I'll go to Sprouts, how much trouble can i get into there right? Wrong.
It all started when I passed the cheese section. I love cheese. Love it in the kind of way that Jerry McGuire loved Renee Zelwigger in that movie. It completes me. And I love White Cheddar cheese more than I love french fries. So there it was of course, staring at me, begging me to take it home, and right next to it was it's friend the Turkey Pepperoni, I couldn't leave him behind, or his sister the mini toast either. So I thought to myself, hey I'll have just a little of each one andI'll be good. I picked up my eggplant frozen meal (thanks Betsy) and some more juice and off I went.
It began well, I ate my eggplant, I had four mini toasts a few pieces of turkey pepperoni and a small piece of cheese. I put all of my points in and still had one left. Later on I had a banana, zero points, we're doing great. Then the damned mini toasts started calling me, begging me to eat them in their loud obnoxious mini toast voices. Seriously, they would not shut up. So I just had to eat them. All of them. And then of course the turkey pepperoni and the cheese started whining because I ate their commrad. So I ate half of them too until the others were silent for fear of being eaten too. And I felt good. Less hungry than I had all week. Until the guilt set in.
Poor Betsy is probably wishing I did not have her phone number because she got all of the guilt texts. Thankfully though she is the best person to know in these situations. She told me I'm not a fat ass who can't control herself, i'm human. So I pulled myself together and I went bravely back to weight watchers and added in the extra food. Yes I went over, but I did not go over the extra points i get every week. So I mentally shook myself and said, "it's ok. So you used your extra points, now you just have to be extra good the rest of the week", and then I moved on. I refuse to dwell on it when I have something naughty. More importantly, I refuse to let it mess up my entire plan. I am stronger than that, I am better than that, I am Xena damnit. Food will not rule me, and I will eat healthy and allow myself something bad once in awhile, but it will not stop me from reaching my goal. I am bullheaded and determined usually, so why do I give up so easily when it comes to this??? I won't. I refuse.
And so I learned that if I can just forgive myself for slipping, for being human, and just push on and move forward, maybe I can finally reach my goal and be a healthier me. One who still eats fries on occasion of course, I wouldn't want to change everything...
I recently started with Weight Watchers and then kind of gave up around the holidays. I gained 5 pounds back over the holiday period and was not very thrilled with my new additions, so i decided to give Weight Watchers another go. It's so hard dieting when you travel all the time and are constantly faced with eating in restaurants or simply grabbing whatever is available as you are runnin through the airport. I am determind to figure this out once and for all though. It is possible, it has to be. Just look at the Biggest Loser. Hell look at Jennifer Hudson. If she can do it, I certainly can right?
It isn't just about weight loss though. I recently learned that I have a fatty liver (hey the rest of me is fat, why not my liver too?), and diabetes and high blood pressure run in my family. So I want to get healthy. Though it seems now a days everyone wants to "get healthy", sometimes I'm not even sure what that means anymore. All I know is I don't want to be s statistic. I want to be around for a long time. I want to see my kids grow up. I want to see my grandkid grow up. If that means I have to give up eating some stuff I love then so be it. Sounds simple right?
Wrong. First of all, I love food. I don't just love food, I crave food, I think about what I'm going to eat well before it's time to eat. Sometimes I have cravings so bad my mouth waters thinking about the food I want. I admit it. I'm an addict. What's worse is, I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm upset, when I'm bored, when I'm depressed, etc. Something about chocolate just makes me feel better. French fries are also my best friend. Sometimes it's like I can't help myself, and then I think, I'm a grown ass woman and french fries are not going to rule my life! Then I get all Xena Warrior Princess and make statements like "I will conquer you Hershey's!" And for a few days I'm really good. Then the crap hits the fan so to speak. Then I have a bad day, and I feel bad and I turn to my best friends Ben and Jerry. It's like a vicious cycle.
I began to have one of these days yesterday. I had been doing really well all week. I went to the grocery store and stocked my little mini fridge. I took my lunch to work and everything. I counted all my points like a good girl and didn't go over. I drank my juicer (more on my juicing later) and even managed to make it to the gym a few times. Then I ran out of food. So I said, I'll just stop at the store and get some more. I'll go to Sprouts, how much trouble can i get into there right? Wrong.
It all started when I passed the cheese section. I love cheese. Love it in the kind of way that Jerry McGuire loved Renee Zelwigger in that movie. It completes me. And I love White Cheddar cheese more than I love french fries. So there it was of course, staring at me, begging me to take it home, and right next to it was it's friend the Turkey Pepperoni, I couldn't leave him behind, or his sister the mini toast either. So I thought to myself, hey I'll have just a little of each one andI'll be good. I picked up my eggplant frozen meal (thanks Betsy) and some more juice and off I went.
It began well, I ate my eggplant, I had four mini toasts a few pieces of turkey pepperoni and a small piece of cheese. I put all of my points in and still had one left. Later on I had a banana, zero points, we're doing great. Then the damned mini toasts started calling me, begging me to eat them in their loud obnoxious mini toast voices. Seriously, they would not shut up. So I just had to eat them. All of them. And then of course the turkey pepperoni and the cheese started whining because I ate their commrad. So I ate half of them too until the others were silent for fear of being eaten too. And I felt good. Less hungry than I had all week. Until the guilt set in.
Poor Betsy is probably wishing I did not have her phone number because she got all of the guilt texts. Thankfully though she is the best person to know in these situations. She told me I'm not a fat ass who can't control herself, i'm human. So I pulled myself together and I went bravely back to weight watchers and added in the extra food. Yes I went over, but I did not go over the extra points i get every week. So I mentally shook myself and said, "it's ok. So you used your extra points, now you just have to be extra good the rest of the week", and then I moved on. I refuse to dwell on it when I have something naughty. More importantly, I refuse to let it mess up my entire plan. I am stronger than that, I am better than that, I am Xena damnit. Food will not rule me, and I will eat healthy and allow myself something bad once in awhile, but it will not stop me from reaching my goal. I am bullheaded and determined usually, so why do I give up so easily when it comes to this??? I won't. I refuse.
And so I learned that if I can just forgive myself for slipping, for being human, and just push on and move forward, maybe I can finally reach my goal and be a healthier me. One who still eats fries on occasion of course, I wouldn't want to change everything...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)